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As I hung up the phone with my friend Emily I could barely contain my excitement. Reluctantly my mother had agreed that she could come over for a few hours. Looking back I guess watching two 11 year-old girls was somewhat of a job. Her mom was going to drop her off at my house in about an hour so that we could swim in my pool. I wish that had been what I would always remember about that day, but it wasn't.
I hurriedly began cleaning up my room and making up my bed. This was not because I wanted to, but instead because it was part of the bargain I had made with my mother. I ran and put on my bathing suit grinning from ear to ear in anticipation of the hours of fun I was sure to have later that day. It was still somewhat cold and slightly damp from when I had taken it off the night before and laid it on the side of the bathtub to dry. I heard my mother yell from the kitchen and ask me what flavor of Kool-aid I would like to have. I of course chose grape, it was my favorite. No more than minutes had passed and there was a knock at the door. With no doubt in my mind that it was Emily, I ran like lightening and threw the door open. To my surprise it was our neighbor, Mr. Parker. With a somewhat disappointed look on my face I said hello and yelled for my mother to come to the door. I was completely uninterested in what he had to say, I was sure that it would either be about some tomato plants he had promised my father earlier that week or about something equally as boring. I turned around and sat on the
bench in our hallway as my mother walked toward the door. Before she had even gotten there, being a bit more perceptive than my 11 year-old preoccupied mind was at the time, she could tell something was wrong. He said that while he was out working in his garden just now he could hear some sirens just over the hill where my aunt Nancy lived, and that we might want to go over and see if there was a problem. My aunt Nancy was my father's sister. She had lived just over the hill behind our house on the next street all of my life. She had three daughters who were already grown and married, her husband had been gone since I was years old, he died of cancer. She was 5 years old and had had asthma along with terrible breathing problems since she was a small girl. My mother ran out the door and into our yard. I quickly peeled the damp neon green spandex of my bathing suit from the hallway bench, and I followed her very closely. We began to walk around the back of our house and all of a sudden we could hear them. We could hear the sirens of an ambulance just over the hill. Then it was like we were in a race to get there, but in slow motion. We were both running as hard as we could. As we got closer to the hill, we could hear someone screaming. It was a woman's voice, but it wasn't Aunt Nancy. We could barely hear it. It seemed like we had been running for days by the time we finally reached the point that we could just barely see over the hill. There it was. The ambulance was in front of Aunt Nancy's house. My mother, not sure of what was happening, told me to stay right where I was and not to go into the yard. Despite the fact that I wanted so desperately to know if Aunt Nancy was hurt, I was relieved. I was partially terrified of what I would find on the other side of that massive structure that was parked right by the front door of her house. By this time the screams that seemed a
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million miles away at first were so loud that it made my blood run cold. My mother walked around the side of the ambulance. Looking back she must have been just as frightened as I was. No sooner than she was out of my sight, I heard her yell "oh no". The screaming was now compounded by my mother sobbing. Hearing my normally calm and level headed mother scream out like this scared me terribly. I could not take it anymore. I had to know what was happening. I began to walk slowly down the hill and across the street. I went completely unnoticed by the police and paramedics that were standing around. As I came around the front of the ambulance I saw Aunt Nancy's daughter Anita, who was quite obviously about eight months pregnant with her first child, on her knees still screaming and my mother standing beside of her crying and trying to calm her down. I began to run toward them while my mind was racing through all of the possibilities. When I got to them my mother looked at me and said that Anita had come over to see her this morning and she did not answer the door. Anita used her key to get in and found Aunt Nancy on the bathroom floor, dead. I was completely shocked. My mind went blank. This couldn't be real.
Since I had never experienced a loss like this I was unsure about how to react. The concepts of life and death had just hit me hard. I felt crushed by a feeling of sadness. My mind immediately raced to the thought of how to tell my father, he had been at work that day but was due home any minute. As Anita began to calm down a little bit my mother told me to run back to the house and call my grandmother. I just stood there. I could not believe that she wanted me to do this. I didn't know what to say to her or how to say it. Despite this feeling I turned almost robotically toward home and ran; carrying
the burden of this news the whole way. As I topped the hill separating our house from Aunt Nancy's I saw something that I prayed I wouldn't. It was my father. He was walking down the sidewalk leading to our front door, totally unaware of what I was about to tell him. I just stopped completely and stood still. I wanted to disappear. Not only did I have to tell my grandma, but now my father also. Just then he looked up at me and smiled. I knew that there was no way out now, I had to tell him.
As I slowly approached my father he could tell that something was wrong. He didn't say a word. Then from out of nowhere, I began sobbing uncontrollably. Unleashing the burden that I had inside me through a surge of tears. I tried so hard to be eloquent and not just blurt it out. I wanted to do this right, but I just couldn't find the words. I started yelling "Aunt Nancy's dead, Aunt Nancy's dead"! His face turned as pale as I could ever remember seeing anyone's. He began to run, dropping everything in his hands. I can still remember the sound of the books he had been carrying falling to the pavement in a heap. I wiped the tears from my face and bent over to pick up the books. I walked into the house and called my grandmother. Finding the words to tell her had been so important to me just minutes before, but to this day I can't even remember what I said to her. The days that followed were full of well wishers, great aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends of my aunt's that she hadn't seen in years. They each came to pay their last respects, sharing memories and remembering when they were children. The funeral was nice I suppose. There were flowers everywhere and beautiful music. I remember looking over at my father. The normally happy expression on his face now seemed aged, older somehow. I think this is how we all felt.
We all experience things as a child that gradually contribute to the loss of our innocence, but I didn't feel like it happened this way for me. By loosing my aunt I lost a part of myself, but I guess this loss of innocence and a simplistic point of view toward the world was inevitable. Through out life I've learned that absolutely nothing is forever and that today may be our last, so enjoy it. I love you Aunt Nancy and goodbye.
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