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Now just imagine you could use your microscope to spot a tiny human being. That's right an actual human being to a microscopic size. Impossible? Wait till you read this story … but let me give you a little information first Narrator normal font style, MI Gutzache bold font style, Professor N Large italic font style.
It's a small world
WANTED
PERSON FOR
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SCIENTIFIC
EXPERIMENT
You'll be testing diminution technology
equipment a shrinking machine.
GENEROUS PAYMENT and a chance
to HELP THE CAUSE OF SCIENCE!
Phone Professor N Large
(04) 848
No one knew what to expect from the professor's new shrinking machine, but one thing was clear. The person who agreed to test it had to be ever so brave … or ever so stupid. Only fearless private eye MI Gutzache had the experience for the job and a very bad experience it was. And no way was he falling for that "all for the cause of science" cockamamie clap-trap!
"Yeah Prof, I've seen the advert and you can count me out!"
But then a couple of words caught his eye …
"Payment? How generous? OK Prof, you've twisted my arm."
"I wasn't going to volunteer for nothing but I needed the green backs. I figured I'd done it all and seen it all but I hadn't seen nothing. I took the case and I should have known better. It was my first mistake."
"I'm afraid none of my scientific colleagues wanted to volunteer for the test they all muttered something about 'unacceptable risk factors'. I explained to Gutzache that the new machine was capable of shrinking a human to the size of a microbe!"
"So you won't be needing your magnifying glass."
"I heard the Prof but I didn't like what I was hearing. I wanted out but the Prof suggested a small test. 'No risk,' he said. But he was wrong and I was the fall guy. I stood under the machine as he switched it on. Just one tiny little test …"
"I placed a pin upright under the microscope but outside the shrinking ray for Gutzache to inspect and report on. It would be a fascinating opportunity to compare Gutzache's view with that of the microscope."
Gutzache felt the gentle warmth of the rays falling on him like summer sunshine. It didn't feel too bad until he noticed that he was shrinking. The pin beside him was getting bigger and bigger until it looked like a giant column. There were ridges and furrows running down its sides and its top was no longer sharp and pointed but rounded like an enormous Christmas pudding.
"The big, wide world was getting bigger and wider by the second. Too big. A good private eye plays a hunch and mine said 'get out!' but it was too late. The pin wasn't a pin it looked like the Washington Monument. And that wasn't all. There were things squirming and oozing in the wrinkles that appeared in the metal. Living things like squelching blobs of jelly. The pin didn't look too lucky and I was hollering for the Prof to make me bigger."
"Amazing! Gutzache is describing microscopic dents and bacteria on the pin. At this point I observed Gutzache under the microscope. I could see him waving even if I couldn't hear his tiny voice. He seemed happy so I decided to press on. But just then I had … ahem, an unfortunate accident … Well, I sneezed …"
"It was like something blew up somewhere close. It blew me off my feet and sent me flying. I saw blobs all around, I figured they were snot. Getting in the way of a sneeze is bad for you it sure was bad for me. Didn't the Prof know about handkerchiefs? The floor looked hundreds of miles away and the only way was down. One thing I knew for sure thanks to a sneeze … I was gonna be crowbait."
Gutzache could see where he was going and he didn't relish it one bit. Tiny movements in the air puffed him towards the massive furry form of the Professor's cat, Tiddles. Gutzache drifted through a forest of tree trunks at least, that's how it appeared to him. In fact, it was the fur on the cat's back.
"Cats. Don't ask why but they're not my favourite animals. If things had worked out different I'd have taken my chances with organised crime. But I was on the cat and at least it felt warm. Then she started licking herself. I felt rough but her tongue looked rougher in fact, it was more like a giant rubbery sheet covered in cat dribble with spikes as long as my fingers."
"So Gutzache was on Tiddles? How clever of her to rescue him! The cat's rough tongue acts like a comb separating the hairs and making glands in her skin produce oils that keep the fur in good condition. The spit dries (or evaporates as we scientists say) off the hairs, taking away heat and cooling her down."
"Huh the cat was cooling down but the heat was on me. That giant tongue got closer and closer. I smelt the hot fishy breath and I knew I was in for a licking …"
But just when all seemed lost Gutzache was rescued by a rather unlikely helper. Well, it wasn't so much of a helper as something just came along and Gutzache grabbed hold of it and held on tight. It had a huge shield-shaped body about three times larger than Gutzache, covered in armoured plates. It had a dagger-like feeding tube and inside its see-through body Gutzache glimpsed a mass of freshly swallowed blood. Suddenly, the creature sprang high into the air to Gutzache it seemed higher than a skyscraper. He had hitched a ride on a flea!
"My whole life flashed before my eyes it didn't make for pretty viewing. Then my stomach lurched as the flea touched down on another part of the cat's back. 'Life's full of ups and down,' I thought, hastily jumping free and fleeing the flea."
"I had no idea where Gutzache was and I was looking everywhere! I had divided the room into squares and I was searching each one using the strongest magnifying glass I could find. Where had he got to?"
"Nearer than you thought, Prof. Remember you were down on the floor and the cat came up? Maybe you remember stroking her and saying the words 'Naughty Tiddles, don't walk here you might tread on Gutzache!' You didn't look too hard at your fingers afterwards did you?"
"Er, no!"
"Well, I was on one of them! You picked me up from the cat's back. You stood up I was hollering like crazy, something like, 'Listen up you stupid scientist I'm on your finger!' But you didn't hear me!"
The Professor's skin was full of cracks like dried mud. Here and there tiny pits bubbled oily beads of moisture. Meanwhile Gutzache was sweating too.
"It was an ugly situation and the Prof wasn't too pretty neither. The hand was going up. I clung to a hair on the back of a finger. I knew it was going to be bad I just didn't know how bad. But then I saw where we were headed and I knew. The giant mouth opened and a blast of hot air hit me. My stomach heaved it smelt of sour milk, strong cheese, onions, garlic and old cow pats. Round globs of spit and slimy bacteria flew towards me. The Prof could sure use some mouthwash."
"Honestly, this is too bad, I DO NOT HAVE BAD BREATH! It is nonetheless a fascinating fact that every human breath contains hundreds of bacteria from the mouth. Of course, I still had no idea that Gutzache was on my finger …"
"The Prof's nails didn't look in too good a shape. They were rough as tree bark and the ends were jagged. Bite marks I thought. I was right."
Helpless with horror, Gutzache watched as the Professor's finger was inserted into his giant mouth. The teeth looked like huge yellow cliffs and here and there slimy bacteria nestled in their folds and ridges. The teeth began to work backwards and forwards and the nail buckled and bent under the chewing action.
"The job had become a gross-out. At that moment I longed to be anywhere but where I was. Well, maybe not anywhere I'd give the Prof's guts a miss. Meantime, the Prof was making a meal of them fingernails."
"Actually, nails are made of keratin. Seen through an electron microscope keratin looks like a rope with smaller chemicals wound around it. This makes it very hard to tear and that's why my nail was buckling and not breaking."
Meanwhile Gutzache was right under the Professor's nose literally. The finger didn't seem too safe so he decided to climb up a thick rope. It turned out to be one of the Professor's nostril hairs and it was encrusted with dried snot. Feeling faint Gutzache swung himself into the hot, windy nostril and then clambered higher up the cheek.
"The Prof and me were face to face but he still couldn't see me. He had some cheek! But the worst of all, his skin was crawling. It was oozing with slimy balls of bacteria that hid in tiny cracks. I figured I'd crack too if I stuck around. So I thought about it plenty but I couldn't figure how to escape …"
"I had no idea all this time that Gutzache was on my face. Interestingly, over two million bacteria live on the cheeks and nose and 7 million live in the grease on the forehead. Well, not that I've counted them … but perhaps Gutzache could be persuaded to make a small survey …"
"Hey, I'd rather bungee jump off Brooklyn Bridge! The Prof still hadn't spotted me but something else had. It had a body like an armoured car and eight legs and a face that would sink a battleship. It wasn't too fast but for a minute I thought I was chicken-feed. But the bug wasn't too bothered it was eating the squirming things off the Prof's skin. I said, 'You're welcome pal!'"
"This is incredible! Gutzache is describing a demodex mite. These creatures, no more than 50 micrometres long, mostly live on human eyelashes and eyebrows. They do no harm and spread between people sharing towels so that every family has its very own special demodex family."
But things were about to get even worse for Gutzache. The Professor frowned as he wondered what to do next. He decided to resume his search on the floor, but the damage had been done. His skin rumpled and crinkled as if moved by an earthquake and tiny chunks dislodged themselves and slipped into the air a perfectly normal event caused by frowning. Once more, Gutzache felt himself falling helplessly this time gripping on for dear life to what looked like a giant cornflake but was actually a flake of skin …
"I was flying again and this time I figured I'd be ketchup. The room was spinning but my luck was in …"
Gutzache landed on the very microscope slide that he had been sneezed off at the start of his adventure. And a minute or two later a familiar face peered down at him through the microscope …
"I had found an interesting cat flea egg on the floor and I decided to take a closer look. Imagine my surprise to find Gutzache waiting for me. But he didn't look too happy."
"Where have you been?"
"It's a long story …"
"The Prof enlarged me. He was talking about me taking a dip in a drop of pond water. Two seconds later I gave him my considered reply 'I don't swim,' I snapped. And with that I quit. After what happened today it was small wonder … a very,very small wonder."
"Forget it!"
If YOU don't fancy shrinking as small as Gutzache in order to check out some body bits, you could always look at them through a microscope. Surgeons use microscopes all the time for what's called microsurgery. This can involve re-attaching bits and pieces of the body that have been chopped off by accident.
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