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Abstract
Over the years the rate of single mothers has increased due to the wide spread acceptance of the trend. The pain and struggle of trying to raise a child on ones own is extremely difficult. Many young single mothers to be and ones who accept this way of living haven't thought about the whole predicament of becoming or being a single mother. There are many factors to consider such as the child's well-being, income, emotional support, which person is going to play the role of the father and many other factors. The dilemma is that single mothers need to be made aware of the many consequences of either subjecting themselves to become a single mother or being subjected, so that they may be able to prevent and or improve their situation not just for themselves, but also the children.
Single Mothers and the Troubles
of Parenting on Your Own.
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Do you like the freedom of being able to come and go as you please? How do like to be able to do things that you enjoy? I know that I like to be able to spend my money on things that I want and things that I want to do. That just isn't the case for many families in America. In the United States, there are staggering number families that are single parent families. Single parent families are becoming more widely accepted as time passes; even I come from a broken home. Though single parent families are made sometimes through divorce, the more severe case is women becoming single parents out of wedlock. Sawhill says that while only thirty percent of all non-marital births are to women under the age of twenty, half of first non-marital births are to teenagers and most of the rest are to women in their early twenties (00). This means that typically most single parents start when they are either a teenager or are in their early twenties. There is nothing saying that all these single mothers will be bad mothers, but that doesn't mean that things will be easy for them to handle. On average, most young parents do not know exactly how to raise their children correctly or have many problems learning how to properly raise their children. Children generally pay the price for either the negligence of the single parent or of being subjected to having a single parent family for adverse reasons; sometimes single parents are made by uncontrollable reasons such as death of family member.
For these reasons, there are ways around becoming unknowledgeable, incompetent single parents. Single mothers can find out a lot of information by doing reading or just talking to other well learned single mothers. Darnel has ten wonderful tips to help with being the best single parent a person can be. Adjustment of attitude, the parent is the boss, deal with overload, realize that you are only one person and you are doing your best, create a stable and nurturing home, establish schedules and routines, take care of yourself, develop reliable support system, do not treat child as a peer, and have realistic expectations (n.d.). These tips are wonderful and very logical ways to move towards the better single parent categorization.
Thinking of the children that will be subjected to being in a single parent family is the main concern for women who think that they want to do without the father or are going to be forced into dealing without the father. Even coming from a broken home myself, I have had many difficulties dealing with life and family. In my opinion, women should think more about the children and what it is that the children will be forced to deal with in life. My parents got divorced when I was in middle school, so there for a while I had lived with my mother, she would be considered a single mother that was forced to become one. Though parents get divorced and remarried typically, children tend to perceive themselves as having a single parent family. When I was enforced into the situation of becoming a child from a broken home, my life flipped upside down. There are many troubles that plague children of single parent homes, but that also means that there are many trials and tribulations that the single parents go through. Single mothers face many troubles when trying to raise a child or children on their own.
Acceptance of Single Motherhood
A great concern that families of the present should worry about is the wide spread of acceptance of women bearing children without being married. Sawhill says that most children who come from a single parent family tend to live poorer lives, excel at low levels in school and will enter adolescence with a predisposition repeat the past mistakes of their parents' youthful tendencies (00). Of course this would be a hasty generalization if it was stated that all single parent family children grow up to become screw ups, but that is wrong not all children will have the same misfortunes. The problem is that the probability of the children succeeding is considerably lower than a child who came from a two parent family as it should be for all children.
Finding the Right Man
There is a flaw in the process of trying to fill that void in a single parent family; there is a tendency for the single mothers to have problems finding the right man. There aren't very many men in the United States who actually want to get married to a single mother; the adjustment for the child or children is very tormenting and stressful. When my mother started to date again, my feelings were of great hatred for the guys that she would date, even the man who is my stepfather to this day. Children do not grasp the idea of their parents being divorced, daddy dying or "why does all the other kids in my class have a daddy and I don't?" There really isn't a substitute for a father, but there have been some incidents where there were great substitutes for the original. The relationship with my stepfather didn't develop until I became an adult. A single mother should the problem here because that means that there were many years of rebellion and trouble for my life until adulthood. Then there is the problem what about right ways to date. What is the right time to let the child or children know that a single parent is going to start dating or spending more time with so called friends their age. This can upset the balance of the home, especially with the children. Not all things go bad though; there are times when the single mother does meet the right man to fill the fathers' gap. Peterson states that sometimes the children can become too attached to the potential suitors that come and go through the life cycle of the family (n.d.). Single mothers must be careful when timing and going about trying to find the next special somebody to fill their emotional void.
Quality Time with Children
How will the child take not being able to spend quality time with their mother? With having to support the whole family as the sole bread winner, the mother will be forced to sacrifice valuable time with her children. Since the mother will be spending all her time working, running errands, and trying to maintain a household, the children will start to rebel and feel rejection. Children, when they are young, need attention because that is sole things that kids thrive on; children will do anything for attention. If the children do not eventually receive the right attention that is needed, the children usually grow up to do dreadful things that the mother will regret or that she will have no clue as to why her child even did such a thing. Orr's research concludes that a study of more than twelve-thousand young people between the ages of fourteen and twenty one found that those who lived in one-parent families had more behavioral problems and low mathematical and reading ability than children raised in two-parent families (000). The children become products of single parent families and become the troubled youth of America.
Sacrifice of Mother's Time
Another fact, single mothers are going to pay for having a child because not only does a guy not want a single mother, but where is there time to date or work is? Since there is only one income, one parent, and one person the take care of the whole family, the single mother is going to have to figure ways to juggle home, work and a personal life while maintaining a stable home. There are many expenses when it comes to raising a child, and there are many expenses just being able to support yourself. For a mother to be able to work she must be able to afford to her child or children in some sort of child care facility or if the single mother is really lucky have relatives take care of the children. Many mothers are not fortunate enough to be able to let their relatives take care of their children, so the mother must put their children in a child care facility. Child care facilities are not real cheap, so most of the money will be spent on having the children in child care. Kerka says that although child care is an issue for all parents, an overwhelming number of single parents cannot afford high-quality day care a major barrier to attending career development and skills training programs as well as maintaining employment (188). Many single parents are going to have to struggle to be able to afford a better quality of life for themselves and their children.
Troubles of Being Pregnant
Not to mention, what happens if the mother becomes pregnant while working? A woman can only work so long during their term of pregnancy. What happens when the mother must take maternity leave? If there is only one adult in the household then how is the mother able to deliver her baby and be able to make money to be able to afford her child? The single mother is going to have to depend on people that may or may not be there for her. She will have no idea if there will be money there for her baby or not. As soon as she delivers the baby she will have to go straight back to work or even rely on the government for support. Not everyone wants to rely on government aid to be able to support themselves and their family. Many women want to be able to hold their own and make it on their own. Waters tells how she as a freelance writer, I didn't have maternity leave, didn't have much savings and was starting to rely a little too much on the kindness of creditors. One good thing about living in Montreal is five dollars a day universal daycare. One bad thing is that the waiting lists average 18 months. If I timed work with Ben's naps, I could maintain a basic income, but I had to rely heavily on his father for Ben's expenses. It was hard not to dwell on the fact that if I were living with the father, we would be sharing rent, utilities, and other costs. Then, I would have more money to spend on Ben, who was turning into quite the flea-market slacker baby (00). This single mother is divorced, trying to raise a child and is trying to juggle work. She receives child support from the father and is still having immense problems trying to make her and her child's' life better. Just think about that single mother who was left with a baby and no support at all.
Father's Role
Who plays the fathers role in a son's life for the single mother? There is big difference in the roles of mother and father, the mother can support the needs of daughter, but can she support the full needs of son. A son needs his father. Sure mothers are a son's hero, but the role of a father is far from being insignificant. Fathers teach their sons the very essence of becoming a man, mothers cannot fill this void. Sons love to be able to say to their fathers when they grow up "Dad I am a man now, thank you." Even daughters need their fathers though for the protection and emotional support that a father can provide. Everyone knows the myth of the over-protective father, the one who boyfriends are scared to go around. Fathers are very emotionally involved when their little girls grow up, especially when the daughter becomes a teenager. Wolcott says that the father of a teenage daughter, this role is close to his heart (000). The father plays a very crucial element in the role of a child's life, just as crucial as the mother too. The thing of it is that a father must be present in a child's life for the important times that a child will witness everyone else's father praise them for their good deeds and the child will have no one; if there were a father figure the child would not experience the agonizing pain of standing around with an awkward silence.
Family Support
Not too many young single mothers are accepted by the parents with open arms. A lot of times the single mothers have to reach out to certain programs for special aid like WICK or welfare. Having to reach out for help is nothing to be ashamed of as long it is for the right reasons. There is no where saying that it is the females' entire fault for getting pregnant and having to learn to raise a child on their own, there is the other person who helped create the child. The major reason for many single mothers to not be accepted is that they are too young and didn't heed their parents' advice about waiting till they are of age. The young parent needs the support of family to get through if there isn't going to a father in the picture. Wolcott relates that there isn't a need for the single mother to live under one roof with relatives, but it is crucial for single parents to cultivate a broader community of support for both themselves and their children, whether it is among family, friends, schoolteachers, coaches, or best of all, some of each (000).
Emotional Support
A single mother herself cannot give the full emotional support that a child needs. She can give a lot of good support because that is mothers' natural instincts, but then where is her support. My mother when she was divorced basically relied on my emotional support for her. I was only a child and could not give her the full support that she needed because I relied on her support for many years as a child should. Children are thrown for a loop when it is the child emotionally trying to support the parent; this is the parent that always took care of everything for you your whole life and now things are flipped. There needs to be another parent, typically the father figure, which must be present in a family. The single mother needs the emotional support of a loved one that is not a child, an adult. Waters says that she read a helpful book that said that she might be in danger of "dating" her child. This is when you use the child to meet all the emotional needs that aren't being met by another adult. Apparently, it can harm a child and is insidious (00). This is the same situation that happened with my mother and it is true because it pushed me away from her; I was a child and knew not how to handle it. Mothers need fathers in their lives, not necessarily the biological and a substitute father can work too. My stepfather supports my mother in anyway that she needs, otherwise without that support my mother would be nothing. Having the support of a special someone who is closer to the single mother than regular family helps the mental healthiness of the single mother.
Giving Marriage a Chance
A second chance may not always be the best thing, but trying to make a marriage work for the child is usually not too bad of an idea. The fact of having a two-parent family further ensures the likely hood of the child growing up with a better life. There are circumstances in which it is understandable for two parents to divorce. Nevertheless, both parents are needed to be a part in a child's life. Sawhill states that moreover, many divorced parents retain strong relationships with their children because of early bonding with that child before the divorce (001). There is hope for children who come from broken homes, but it is very overwhelming the animosity of the hopes for children who come from single parent homes where the parent was never married. Teen pregnancy must some how be deterred from spreading any further than it already has across the country. Kerka states that each year in the United States, 1 in 10 teenage girls become pregnant. This vast subgroup of single parents faces many obstacles to self-sufficiency, such as lack of education, job readiness, and emotional maturity. Their crucial need to complete their education and achieve employment goals is complicated by their immediate needs for food, housing, child care, and emotional support (188).
Teens, Children Having Children
What about these kids having kids? Many of the single mothers of the present are teens that are having children at very young ages; a long time ago, sure teens were getting married and having children, but in the present usually people don't marry until at least late teens and twenties. Sawhill says that the bad news is that as a society we are in the process of normalizing single parenthood. Almost half of Americans under the age of thirty-five believe that a single mother can bring up her child as well as a married couple, according to the General Social Survey (001). Many teens are impressionable and think that they are women and can take on the responsibility of having sex with these older men who are with them for only one thing. There have been many teens that are persuaded into having sex in which they are not ready for it and they do not take the right precautions when they perform intercourse. Many people understand that teens having raging hormones, but these teenage girls need to respect themselves and think about the child who is conceived because of not just the girl's actions, but also the guys.
Maturity Level of Teens
The maturity and mentality of a teen has not developed enough for the responsibility of a child. Children were not meant to raise children because children are still growing up and adjusting to be able to even cope with their own lives; how can a child be able to fully adjust to the new life of their own offspring? Girls generally mature much quicker than guys, but that still does not give the teenage girls the mature capabilities of being able to raise a child on their own. Dr. David Popenoe concludes that "I don't think teenagers should get married, nor do I think they should have children outside of marriage" (Carby, C., et al, 000). Dr. Popenoe is the co-director of the National Marriage Project, an organization that researches and analyzes the state of marriage in America. The statement was made by Dr. Popenoe in reference to the trend of single parent teenagers. It is true though, teens do not experience the full appreciation for marriage because they have not had time to grow and fully develop. Teens should not experience parenting until they have fully matured for the sake of the child. People cannot predict the future; someone could have a perfect relationship, but later on things might change. Most teens do not realize this and try to get married and have children at too young of an age; the end results tend to be a single mother left with her child.
Teen Support of Children
A young teen cannot fully support the needs of a child; children are very needy up until the day that their parents become dependent upon them. Children are very much influenced by their environments and their parent or parents are their sole role models. A child looks up to their parents for comfort and support. Just like the young impressionable teen, the very young child is impressionable and takes on characteristics of the parents. Children see and do everything that their parents do, this is how children learn. A teenager doesn't know enough to be able to properly raise and teach a child to grow up correctly. Sawhill says that it is true that many single women in their twenties have babies; the pattern typically starts in the teen years. These young unwed mothers are also the ones most likely to end up poor and on welfare, with all of the concomitant consequences for their children later in life (001).
Single mothers face many troubles when trying to raise a child or children on their own. The acceptance of the trend of single mothers has grown not so much, but it should be deterred from even happening. Teens today need to think of the future of the children that will suffer from the associated consequences of their parents' assessments. Furthermore, teens are not ready for the responsibility of raising a child on their own recognizance; teens are still children themselves. The children will end up in situations that could have been eradicated in the early years by actually growing up in a stable two-parent home. The child will end up doing things like flunking in school, getting into trouble and other things impeding their progress in the world. Children will be forced to living in poverty because they grow up with only one parent. Single mothers must do whatever it is that they can to increase the prosperities for their children. A child needs its father or some sort of replacement because the mother cannot play both roles for the child. In the early years of a child's life, a child is very dependent upon its parents; the child needs support of both parents. Since there is only one parent, the mother will not always be there for the full support that a child needs as if to say both parents were there to share the responsibility. The well being of a child should not rest all on the fate of one person, but two people instead. Nevertheless, the financial state of single parent home is far less than one with two parents working together to support. Single mothers should also think of how hard it might be to find that special someone. There is not much time for single mothers to date while having to pick up the kids, work and maintain a whole household on their own. For the sake of future children, single motherhood should be eradicated because children tend grow up living a more stable life and do not repeat the mistakes of past generations.
Reference
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Handling single motherhood (n.d.). Retrieved October 7, 00, from http//www.parentsplace.com/expert/family/qas/0,108,460_111185,00.html
Heath, D.T. (1). Single Mothers, Single Fathers [Electronic version]. Journal of Family Issues, 0, 4, p4.
Kerka, S. (188). Single Parents Career-Related Issues and Needs. Eric Digest No. 75. Retrieved October 7, 00, from http//www.ed.gov/databases/Eric_Digests/ed61.html
Orr, S. (000) Single Parenthood Life Without Father. Family Research Council. Retrieved October 7, 00, from http//www.frc.org/get/pdo1b1.cfm?CFID=104170&CFTOKEN=674804
Peterson, G. (n.d.). Dating guidelines for single moms. Retrieved October 7, 00, from http//www.parentsplace.com/expert/family/qas/0,108,4016_1185,00.html
Raeder, M.S. (001). Remember the Family Seven Myths about Single Parenting Departures (Vol. 1, No. 5 March/April 001). Los Angeles, California Southwestern University School of Law, Federal Sentencing Report.
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