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STORYTIME WITH UNCLE CHOP-CHOP.
INT. STUDIO - CHILDREN'S SHOW "PLAYTIME PALS"
A lady walks onto the set and sits down down on a small blue chair,holding a
bright red book which reads "Playtime stories" on the cover.
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A number of small kids are sitting around her.The kids cheer and clap.
POLLY PLAYTIME (OVERLY CHEERFUL)
Good morning everyone! My name is Polly Playtime and
welcome to...
POLLY + KIDS (at the same time)
PLAYTIME PALS!
POLLY Today on the show we have a very special guest.. (big smile)
Everyone say a big Playtime welcome to UNCLE CHOP-
CHOP!
Some of the kids cheer but some look bemused..who the hell is Uncle Chop-Chop?
POLLY (cont) (looks around)
Come on Uncle Chop-Chop,dont be shy,we dont bite
DO WE EVERYONE! (overly happy)
Afigure starts to appear from left of screen and walks toward Polly and the kids.
In his RIGHT HAND he is holding a lit ciggaretteand in his LEFT HAND,he is holding
an opened can of VB.
It's Mark Brandon "Chopper" Read, Melbourne's most feared and respected
standover man and underworld executioner.And he is obviously drunk.
Chopper stumbles over the Lego building blocks as he approaches Polly and the
kids.
CHOPPER (slurs) G'day everyone! How is everyone this fine evening..?
POLLY Umm,well,its actually 70 am Uncle Chop-Chop
CHOPPER Well is it really (big smile) (laughs)
Well thank you Polly for correcting my mistake (laughs again)
POLLY Umm,yes,well, why don't you tell the kids what you do for a
living (big smile)
I'll give everyone a hint,he's not an Ambulance Officer
(laughs overly loud)
The kids dont know whether to laugh or cry.
CHOPPER Well,i know it didn't pay to well,but I used to have "Playtime"
with my little friends in the criminal underworld (laughs)
(takes a drag of the ciggaretteand a large gulp of the beer)
POLLY Oh really? How wonderful,isn't that right everyone! (claps hands)
Uncle Chop-Chop,tell us what you mean by "playtime"
CHOPPER I used to cut crims toes off for fun
(laughs and smiles)
The children look a bit scared and some start to become teary eyed.Chopper looks at
the kids and can't tell they're upset because he's to drunk to notice.
CHOPPER (to a small boy) (high pitched voice)
HELLO..HELLO...WHATS YOUR NAME YOU CHEEKY
LITTLE MONKEY (laughs and waves at the boy)
The boy starts to cry and is carried off stage.This is just the beginning.
POLLY So yes,anyway Uncle Chop-Chop,how about you tell us all about
your friends (smiles)
CHOPPER Well Poll,as you might already know,one of my supposedly best
mates was Jimmy Loughnan.I even kidnapped a judge to get him
out of prison,so in return,what does he do the cheeky little dog? He
tries to kill me then claimed i attacked him first so he could get a bit
of money
out of the system.Then there's bloody Neville Bartos,that bloody
wog idiot,thinking he's some criminal mastermind...bloody fruitshop
owner if you ask me.You might remember Poll,that i shot that idiot
in his stomach coz he was being a bloody smart-arse to me.Tell
me,what kind of person would argue with someone when that
person has a loaded gun pointed at you...And let me tell you kids
did he have a bloody whinge or what! (laughs)
The kids look really scared and most start to cry.
POLLY Umm..ok,well,i believe you have a poem to tell us all,isnt that right
Uncle Chop-Chop?
CHOPPER Yes,thats right Poll,does everyone want to hear it? (beat)
(kids shake their heads quickly)
Of cource you all do! (laughs)
CHOPPER (cont) (big smile and clears throat)
This one is called FAST EDDY.
Fast Eddy got grabbed on a friday night,
He died on Sunday lunch,
I didn't use much violence,
I didn't kick or punch,
But we had some fun before he died,
Yes we had some fun,
Played a game called Knee Cap,
Knee Cap nail gun,
I had to keep Eddy fresh,
He spent five days in the fridge,
Until I could arrange his funeral,
Under West Gate Bridge,
Fast Eddy had a heap of gold,
And every ounce of it I sold,
Eddy had a heap of dash,
But not enought o keep his cash,
He made it all from selling dope,
But in the end,he had no hope,
His mother wonders where Eddy is,
She cries and feels blue,
But don't cry dear,this is just a poem
And poems are rarely true.
Ha Ha.
CHOPPER Well well,thats not a bad little poem even if i do say so myself,
whatchya think Miss Polly? (chuckles) (trys to be funny)
POLLY Umm,well,that wa...
(starts to get into a matter-of-fact mode)
CHOPPER
Miss Polly...did you by any chance have a dolly that was sick sick sick?
(laughs)..and they think I'M the twisted one! What about all these
bloody kid's fairytails ay?..you know,that one about that bloody
Snow white and the little dwarf blokes...what were their names..bloody
Sleepy,Dopey,Stupid and whatnot..you know what that so-called
child's book is about Poll?..go on,have a little guess...
POLLY I think we're getting off track here a litt....
CHOPPER Thats right...its all about the 7 stages of bloody heroin addiction!
These bloody mongrels at Walt Disney are bloody sugar-coating
society's bad habits by turning them into fancy shmancy little characters
selling them off to little children like yourselves over here...
(points to the kids)
KID whats herwin action?
CHOPPER (laughs) Thats HEROIN ADDICTION to you son! your a cheeky little thing
you are,arnchya! (laughs again)
Well,to keep it simple,if I ever caught you taking or dealing
heroin,I will personally see to it that you will never walk again,
(serious)...(suddenly very happy and upbeat)..but having said
that,a little bit of 'goey'' never killed anyone! (laughs and winks at
the boy)..just dont let your mummy catch you doing it or you'll
be sent to your room with no bloody telly (laughs)
(Polly and the rest of the crew look at Chopper stunned ; this guy is off his dial,
condoning drug taking.This show has got way out of hand)
POLLY (nervous laugh)
Umm,Uncle Chop-Chop,I dont think you should be saying to
everyone that taking drugs is...
CHOPPER (interrupts)
Hey kids (winks) ..I just so happen to have another small poem
tucked away in the back of me pocket..... (chuckles)
Kids are shaking their heads violently and start to cry.Please take this man away from us!
CHOPPER (cont) Look out Mr Shakespeare,Uncle Chop-Chop is here!
(looks at Polly and kids and give a toothy chuckle)
(Polly listens to her earpiece. FINISH THE SHOW RIGHT NOW!)
POLLY (pretends to be happy)
Well,I think thats all the time we've for today everyone!
(another nervous laugh)
How about a big thank you to Uncle Cho...
CHOPPER (interrupts again and pulls out another sheet of paper from his pocket)
This one's about this greasy little Turk called Sammy.Sneaky
little cunt tried to luer me into this empty bloody car-park at this
bar called Bojangles where all his mates were there ready to
give me a good old going over. But the Knucklehead took me
to the wrong bloody carpark (laughs) And this guy was ready
to pop me off,but unknown to him I had a sawn off .410
shotgun down the back of my pants,and a . down the front.
(laughs)...I'm sure you kids can guess what happened next
(chuckles and winks at the kids)
Anyways,enough with the fanciful stories.This ones
appropriately named SAMMY THE TURK. (chuckles again)
(Polly and kids are to scared to argue now)
CHOPPER She said get The Chopper out of the bar,
Shane and the boys are in the car,
If you can help set up the Big Fella,Turk,you'll be a star,
The boys farmed it out,they had it ghosted,
But as Sammy walked out the door,the boys just left him
posted.
The game was for real,it was no lark,
But Sammy walked toward the wrong carpark,
Silly boys,was all The Chopper had to say,
It wasn't their lucky day,
And poor Sammy the Turk got blown away.
Kids are crying and Polly is panicking.Its chaos.
CHOPPER (chuckles)
So what you think kids? pretty bloody good poetry if you ask
me.I've got another one somewhere here (feels around in his
pocket)..
FLOORMAN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE,CUT!..GET HIM OUT OF HERE
NOW!
colour bands.
Ben Stevenson
copywrite
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